Come On Up To The House

incog_identity @ 2009-04-06T10:19:00

2009-04-06T16:22:07Z

New crap:

I went out with my roommates to monkey barrel friday night. I've never been there before, but I did have fun. I had three shots. I saw my former roommates and talked to them, and got Ian's (my former roommate) number and played guitar with him saturday, and went to part of the mae concert on campus. Which was eh. But at monkey barrel I also saw this girl that lives across from me in UV.

I'm really tired and feel weird right now, by the way, so I write horribly, that's why.

When I used to go out to smoke all the time and go for walks around UV, like 6 times a night, there would always be these girls, and especially this one, that would be in the window across from me, and I'd always sorta feel like I was being watched and laughed at, and I just kinda pretended they/she wasn't there. So, one night while I was smoking I was kinda sick of feeling awkward about it and I just turned toward the window and shrugged my shoulders like "...what?". She waved, and I waved back and I decided to go over there. So I knocked on the door and she and her roommate answered while hiding behind the door. I said "hey, I'm not stalking you guys, I just like to smoke a lot." She said "ok. we like the window a lot. you're out there all the time." I said "yeah... well, that's all I wanted to say" and said bye and left. So I go out again the next night and there's a big sign up in the window, and I make sure nobody's around or in the window, and I walk up to it and the sign says STALKER!. So I was pretty sure they were laughing at me at first, and now I thought they definitely thought I was creepy. So I put up my own sign that said SPIES!. A couple days later I open my apartment door to go smoke again at 1:30 AM and there are condoms and tampons taped all over my door. So now I know they are jerks, but I still think its funny. I decide to get them back, but before I got around to it I went out to monkey barrel and saw the girl there. I can't remember exactly what I said or what she said, but the deal was... she didn't think I was creepy at all, and she was afraid I was mad at her for being a creep and staring out her window all the time. She said "you're up late too, like me, I've been staying up till 5 almost every night lately". so yeah. She never saw my sign though. And it turns out the door decorating wasn't her, it was some random girl that my roommates knew that was also there that night. but she said "yeah, so next time you see me lets have a smoke or go for a walk" and I said ok. Her name is Kimmie. So now there's a sign in her window that says HI MIKE.

Anyway. Guitar with Ian went alright I guess. We played that john mayer song "Daughters" with him on acoustic and me on electric, and that sounded pretty awesome. I like john mayer, I think he's a great guitar player, but... his attitude and his singing are just a bit... gay... at times. But yeah. daughters is a good song, and improvising over it was fun. I dunno. there's just something a little fishy about john mayer. I don't quite buy his persona. But yeah.

I got a C on my Zimbabwe paper, which I respectfully think is bullshit.
I have a beard because I haven't shaved since almost the beginning of this semester.
So, that was my weekend. Now its back to papers.

EDIT: sorry if I seem to be cocky, full of myself, spiteful, or "haha" in what I wrote or how I wrote it.

incog_identity @ 2009-02-18T19:29:00

2009-02-19T00:32:12Z

Ray Charles - You Don't Know Me

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)

incog_identity @ 2009-01-29T01:09:00

2009-01-29T07:54:46Z

Let's see.

Classes I'm taking:
Comparative governments of developing nations
Environmental Policy
Existentialism
Senior Seminar in Philosophy: "Why Ethics?"

I'm seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, or something like that, down here. Who I saw a couple semesters ago.

I've been hanging out with Ariane kind of a lot lately. She's been making me dinner a lot, and we've been watching movies some too. We've been sort of taking care of each other down here. Giving each other rides to and from class, waiting for each other after classes, and going to the grocery store together, and what not. We are sometimes playful, sometimes friendly, sometimes hurt, sometimes angry, sometimes bitter, sometimes in despair, sometimes feeling good, sometimes silly, sometimes desperate, sometimes punishing, sometimes ignoring, sometimes forgiving, sometimes selfish, sometimes unselfish, sometimes sad, sometimes crying, sometimes lonely, sometimes even happy, and sometimes just ok. We aren't back together.

She said she wanted to marry me at one point. I wish I could have been the man that she would have wanted to marry. I wish I could have been less despairing. I wish she could have been a lot of things too... a lot of things. I wish we could have listened to the sounds in public places better (but that's an inside reference). I wish I could have melted more often. I wish I didn't hold grudges and give the silent treatment, but I did. Damn Scottish blood.

I wish so many things had happened, and I wish so many things had not happened.

I wish I could separate what was a desperate wish and a fantasy, and what things we did out of desperation, from what was a real live dream and hope, and how I could have nurtured it.

I wish I wasn't still doing so many things wrong.

The marriage thing upsets me. I cry when she says "you know, I wanted to marry you, I did love you". We've watched a few shows about marriage in the past, and I cry when they read the vows, because somebody might have wanted to marry me. The idea that somebody could love me, all of me, could devote their life to me, could be my wife, could grow old with me, who loves me in all my wretchedness. And that somebody is inviting me into that is emotionally upsetting. But its a two way street. I'd have to be somebody's husband, a man to grow old with, a life partner. And I would love to do it too. But I wonder if these are too lofty dreams, or if they are fantasies, or if I/we tried too hard to make them happen. But they do genuinely move me, and I do have romantic dreams and hopes in my heart, and why shouldn't I? I'm not really willing to give up on them... I'll still have romantic hopes and longings, and I think thats actually good. So long as i don't try to go arranging them and making them into reality with my own efforts, instead of letting it happen, or, not happen, if it doesn't. Which sucks. The opportunity was there in the sounds in public, I think. And its still there from time to time I think. I dunno. I gotta sleep. I'm confused as usual. 'night.

Silly-free-willy?

2009-01-10T07:09:34Z

I haven't been eating lately. I think i had a half a sandwich and some water today. I haven't been sleeping well either. I don't want to sleep, I'm too scared. Scared of the dreams I'll have, the thoughts that will come to me, and that they will be cold and icy... and they will be. I just went up to my room and looked at the bed and listened to the dead cold silence in the room, and I can't do it, or I'll start crying, or panicking, or wailing in agony, literally. I almost feel like a little kid, like I could almost run to my parents room and ask to sleep with them because I'm scared. But maybe that's what I've been metaphorically doing with Ariane, clinging, and this break up is weaning me. I don't think I did that the whole relationship though, just sometimes. This semester off I didn't have the constant loneliness of Salisbury to remind me. But I'll be going back soon, and I'll confronted with a cold icy nothingness and a silent bedroom where I can sit, awake in the dark, scared, and crying. Unless I find ways to avoid it, which I'm sure I will... but I don't want to. I want to face it. And I'm going to in just a minute...

I guess this is the dark night of the soul? where the body and soul are purged of their luxuries to make room for God? I have been talking to my family today, or sitting with them in silence. They have gone to bed, and now that they have, I was sitting and sobbing alone in the family room, my stomach empty, my body worn from anxiety, and feeling like I was melting into a puddle, or falling off a cliff. I hate when that feeling happens when laying in bed alone. But I don't want to be saved from this. I do, but I don't. I need to go through this to have a better appreciation for people and things. I almost threw up watching the food network, because they show up close shots of food squishing and being chewed, and its nauseating, since I think I already have a little bit of appreciation from my perspective. I tried to eat a roll a couple hours ago and I started to cry a little, so I ate half and gave up. I shouldn't be angry that I have to go through this though, I guess. but like I said, its incredibly icy and lonely. so.. time for bed.

EDIT: Actually... its not that bad once you do it. I was laying in bed rigid and then it melted away, and I fell, and it wasn't bad. but the mice woke me up, and I came downstairs for a granola bar. I feel ok at the moment, but who knows about later. I think I'm too serious. If I could develop a sense of humor about taking myself too seriously, I think that would be extremely helpful. Its ok to laugh and be happy, right?

That's what I did with the dog poop in the middle of the night, and I was so happy then, for that hour or so we were up.

I try too hard, I guess. The more I quit trying to go to sleep and the more I just flopped onto the bed in a pile, the more I was able to fall asleep. So, if I can relax about the break up, and sort of be loose, to flop into the void of the break up, and not to confront it combatively, the happier I should be, and the more progress I should make in accepting it. Who I think I am to take myself so seriously, the pope? ha! Look at at me, saying "I have to face the void" and then slipping on banana peels! Slip on banana peels into the void! Flop into the void! Fall! Come down from up there and be silly! Forget about facing it and just let it take me. makes sense, right? I'm actually feeling pretty happy right now. I'm sort of smiling. I used to be a funny guy, I used to make people laugh all the time, and I can still do it, when I don't take myself so seriously. Alrighty, back to bed I guess. Man... I really wish I could relax enough to be like this all the time. That would be wonderful, and silly, and that would really make me a happy guy, and a guy that others would be happy to be around. I can still do it though, I just have to not take myself so seriously. I mean, that's dancing, right? I really wish I knew how to dance. Sometimes I'm the type of guy that if nobody is looking at work, I'll do a quick dance in the aisle. I've done it. That's how I get past my rigidness, so nobody's mom gets a weird board-like hug. Rigid determinism or silly free will! I'll take silly-free-willy.

"i'm gonna go to sleep, let this wash all over me" and not say "over my dead body" so much.

I will say though, that I do think the dark night of the soul, and the not eating, and things like that are hard things that even "silly-free-willy" might not be capable of tackling, but to have some w;t about even that, to have a "tragicomic" optimism, like charlie chaplin, or like Wall-E, that would be so wonderful. Real happiness, and still silly-willy. yeah, that would be great. Alright. really time for bed now. goodnight.

incog_identity @ 2009-01-07T10:35:00

2009-01-07T15:36:43Z

And we'll recall when time runs out
That it only took a moment
To be loved a whole life long

incog_identity @ 2009-01-06T04:48:00

2009-01-06T11:10:08Z

Dear God,

I am limp, impotent, and powerless. I have tried, maybe not tried my best, but I have tried, in the last 8 years or so of my life, to figure out the right way to live, and to do it. But I always fall short. In fact, I always fall miserably and pathetically short. I have tried to let beings be, to listen to the silence of God, to find the true and the sacred and the wise and to apprentice myself to them. I have tried to face your dark nights of the soul with humility and understanding. I have tried to not assert that I am still cool and in control when the rug is pulled out from under me, and not keep on violently pushing forward, going trough the motions, like elmer fudd, who believes that if he holds his limbs up and does not look down, no one will know he has walked off a cliff because he wasn't paying attention, and will not fall. I have cried in the presence of beautiful things. I have cried at movies, to music, in public, alone. I have tried to watch the right movies, to be moved by them, to listen to the right music, to be moved by it, to let go. I have tried to let go completely, to become lost in the nothingness, to learn how to give it all up, to not get indignant when something is taken from me. I have tried not to call you an Indian-giver, since everything I have is on loan from you anyway. I have tried not to be contemptuous of those people who do control, who do get angry, who are spoiled, who demand things, but I think I might have failed at that the most. I have tried to love you the best I can.

I know what you will say though:

"You're too spiritually greedy. Look at you, making a list of the things you've done and how I owe you for it. Look at you, saying 'where's mine' to the world, and after being so contemptuous of those who do. You think you'll get into heaven because you've read a bunch of books about me and listened to jazz? You don't love me. You haven't tried to love me either, you liar. You don't love philosophy. You just want something out of me."

No! No, I do love you! I love you more than anything! You have to believe me! More than anything! More than anything!

"If you loved me you wouldn't hurt me so much."

That's not true! I can't let go of you and I want you because I know how great you are! you have to understand that!

"Well... I know you wouldn't want to be with me unless you knew how Good and Sacred and Wonderful I am, but Sacred means you can't touch it, you grab at me. Maybe you love me, but you think I'm yours to take. I'm done with you, I'm leaving. Why would I want to be with you when you'll just squeeze the life out of me? Get away from me, don't touch me, what do you think I am, some magic rabbit's foot? Some erotic artifact? Look at you, you think you own me. You're looking for the holy grail and the fountain of youth, and you've grown vampiric fangs. I don't want to be with you anymore, I don't want to try anymore, it never works. I don't want to be with you"

And you're right.

incog_identity @ 2008-09-29T14:09:00

2008-09-29T20:06:45Z

Tom Waits - Jayne's Blue Wish

The sky holds all our wishes
The dish ran away with the spoon
Chimney smoke ties the roofs to the sky
There's a hole overhead
It's only the moon

Will there ever be a tree
Grown from the seeds I've sown
Life is a path lit only by
the light of those I've loved
By the light of those I love

Life's a path lit only by
the light of those I've loved
By the light of those I love

Hello. I'm not in Salisbury this semester, I'm taking this semester off because I only need 3 more classes to graduate and one or more of them isn't offered this semester. But I'll be back next semester. Ariane and I are... confused. We're taking a break, or something like it. We fight a lot. its very hard for us to connect. We both have issues, but our issues seem to frustrate either of us from making any progress, rather than helping us come together, which can sometimes happen. Sometimes people who need help can be helpful. I was supposed to get a job over the summer, and work all summer and all this semester, but I still have not gotten one. People think I'm lazy, and I guess I am also, but its not that simple. A job would be fine, if it didn't feel so much like prison, so much like my family saying they don't love me anymore. If the idea of it didn't seem so isolated, mechanical, and lonely. But then, its just a job, everybody has to work. And what the hell do I know, I haven't had a job since 2004. It could be fun as shit. But I'm hesitant/terrified. One of the reasons Ariane and I fight and don't get along is that she says I have no direction in life, I have no job, no motivation, no passions, etc. Which is somewhat true, but what can you do if you don't? Get a job? Then you aren't any better, you just work hard, but not for some passion, you work hard to work hard. You work hard because working hard is GOOD. Its good to work. But what about love? is love work? do I fall in love because of how much work I put into it? Love is passive. Love is effortless. There root of the word "passion" is "passive". Passion doesn't mean "driven". So, when people are depressed, or having troubles, they go to psychologists, who tell them "set goals", seize the day, get motivated. So now they've got a list of crap to do, and they attain their goals, but then what? On to the next. When can I stop? You haven't solved the problem, you're still just as passionless and empty, but now you're empty and passionless with chores to do. Big improvement! But then, getting involved with things and people might be healthy, so long as it isn't like a boot camp. So I guess you've got solo playing, and then either the choice of playing for korn or a group of jazz musicians. But the solo blues player is closer to jazz than korn. If you know what I mean. On the other hand, the jazz has to account for and "take in" Korn type people. I just need a job doing the right thing I guess. Shit is confusing.

So yeah. that's kinda the theme. I've been doing other things too though. I looked through old family genealogy records done by my granddad and made a family tree, all the way back to 1517. To John Foxe, who wrote "Foxe's book of Martyrs", a book that's supposed to be one of the most influential books for protestantism and puritanism. which is scary. witch burning. No room for confession. sounds familiar.

I set up a fish tank... in light of everything, the fish tank and the genealogy stuff seems superficial. and it probably is. Its a cool fishtank though...

My hair's still short. One of my mice died, from a tumor, and we buried it in the backyard. I've done a lot of reading though, this summer. And a lot of fishing. I went fishing at elast 3 times a week this summer. Still smoking, but not only a couple a day. I just called barnes and noble: no openings. And I've gotten into Tom Waits over the summer. a lot. Definitely my current musical fad. So, that's all for now I guess.

I live

2008-02-28T08:14:33Z

I'm alive. And listing random things. I'm living in UV again this semester. I'm taking: Film Theory, Problem of God, Medieval Philosophy, and Weather and Human Affairs. I might take off next semester because a class I need to graduate isn't going to be offered. I'm getting to be ok friends with my roommates and the people in the rest of my building as well. But some are moving out next semester, which sucks. Ariane is coming down tomorrow, and she's going to stay until Sunday, which is awesome. She's going to sit in on Dr. Miller's class Friday. I've been playing poker now and then with my roommates and other friends, and I won $25 tonight. First time we've played for that much, and the first time I've won. I've been playing guitar more recently, and I've brought my electric down here. I've also developed an interest in Louis Armstrong, who is my current musical interest. I'm not such a big fan of Dr. Hatley. He's ok, I just don't like the way he thinks. He thinks sideways. not vertically. and not usually in a straight line either. He's a good guy though. I was on Prozac for a while, but I'm off at the moment, though I think I'm going to get back on it soon. Ariane and I have been having some arguments, and not really healthy ones either. But I think we're doing ok. The distance is a real B. It's not healthy for the relationship, but it's our only option really. The cat and I are buds. Lucas, my roommates cat. We have a spiritual connection. I'm attempting to grow venus fly trap plants from seeds. I saw There Will Be Blood. It was ok? I'd like to see it again. Some good scenes, but otherwise it was excruciating. I saw the assassination of jesse james by the coward robert ford... I like it. good stuff. I saw Good Will Hunting, which I hadn't seen before. good story, but a little over simplified. Ariane is bringing presents tomorrow, one of which is the darjeeling limited. Haven't seen it, but I'm looking forward to it. Ariane has a paper on Sartre to do, and I get to help her with it, which ought to be fun. That's all for now. I'll try to get back to writing.

New Stuff

2007-10-03T01:30:55Z

Let's see, what's new. I'm living in University Village, and I've made somewhat friends with a couple of them, and a neighbor, which is good, and better than last semester. I'm taking four classes: environmental science, Asian Philosophy, Democracy, and Theory of Knowledge. I've been skipping some of asian philosophy and I've only been to the first class of environmental science, which I need to graduate. I'm behind in papers of course too, but I've kept up on the readings. Democracy and theory of knowledge are my favorites. I'm reading and writing a paper on Rousseau, and I guess I like him better than Locke or Hobbes.

I went and saw Bob Dylan last friday with Ariane, and my brother and his girlfriend and my parents went too. It was pretty cool, Dylan is still awesome. The next day I went to a horse race with Ariane, not the flat kind, the kind on grass and with hurdles. She used to work on a horse farm, and some of the horses she took care of were in the race. That night she was house sitting for someone and we both spent the night at the house. They have a horse, a pony, and a donkey, and the next day I rode the horse for a little bit. Never got faster than walking, but I've never done that before and it was cool. I have fantasies of moving to Montana with Ariane and starting a ranch.

Ariane and I are still dating, and calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, which I'm glad about. I have a cold, and I gave it to her over the weekend, so now we're both sick... which sucks, but is also kind of cute. We've both said I love you to each other, but she likes me a lot, and is apparently deeply devoted to me. Which scares me. I like her, a lot. But I'm an amateur, I can be an asshole, and I can be depressive. I have baggage, or whatever. I like her damnit, but if I've had one problem with relationships and I guess with a lot of other things in my life, its that I tend to sort of dance around the edge of everything and never dive in. Its not laziness. I see the right road to take, and then sit down and smoke, thinking "its too hard, I can't do it", and then dive into unhealthy things instead. Despair, its a bitch. But I like her. I lost my friggin virginity to her for crying out loud. Love is hard, it takes courage and work. We've been having some arguments every now and then, especially lately. Which isn't good. I give up too easily I guess. The things she's bringing up aren't new, they're my ever-present issues, and I seem to be unwilling to change. People call me out of my box, which is cramped and yet well defended (find the logic in that), and I just sort of sit there smoking, because change requires admitting certain things about myself that I don't want to do. Appreciation is still my biggest flaw...I guess. And apparently I don't care about anything, which I've heard before, and which I've said to other people before and been talking about myself. The time apart hasn't been helpful. We only get to see each other on the weekends, which sucks a lot.

I think if we had more time together we could work a lot of things out. Not that things are terrible. Things overall are good, except for the arguments. Which I guess I mostly cause. I have a habit of saying hurtful things by accident, and hurtful things to those who are trying to love me. Most of the time the arguments are caused by my fears and insecurities, although they have some truth to them, they could be addressed by me in a healthier way. but anyway, I like her. Its not as tragic as I make it sound, at least not a majority of the time. (we just had a argument-ish thing recently, which influenced this)

So, onto other things....

Ariane and I took an idea from my brother and got a couple pet mice, which I'm keeping here. They're pretty cool, we named them Butterscotch and Fudge. My roommate is borrowing a friend's cat for a while, and I've been hanging out in my room with mice and a cat lately. That's enough stuff for now I guess.

incog_identity @ 2007-09-22T00:50:00

2007-09-22T04:53:04Z

Ariane

2007-08-28T14:40:12Z

I'm back in Salisbury for this semester. A lot of things have happened over the summer. I went to Virgin Festival A while back with my friend Dan, his girlfriend Ariane, and her step sister Emily. I ran into Sidney at the concert, just like I knew I would, and she's pregnant. She called me yesterday and wants a place to stay for 3 weeks. I'm inclined to say no, but she got kicked out of her house and she's pregnant. Anyway, back to the concert. There had always been an unmentioned sexual tension between me and Ariane. The concert was great. Smashing Pumpkins were the best, people were crowd surfing everywhere. I was freaking out as usual and being very rigid. Ariane and Emily tried and succeeded in pushing me under a shower in the mist tent, and it was kinda flirty the whole time. But anyway, during interpol Dan and Emily went to check out the other band playing on the other stage, and Ariane and I were alone for a little bit, and she tried to get me to dance to break my rigidness. I did a little bit, and I bumped hips with her a few times. We flirted, basically. If Dan had seen us he might have been pissed. She said she thought I needed some adventure or something to wake me up, and later that night after everybody had gone home she text messaged me and asked if I wanted to go on adventure with her tomorrow, just me and her. Innocent enough, right? So I did, and we went to a playground and talked about our issues and things like that. I have to tell this quickly because I can't remember all the details. Dan called and was pissed about us hanging out, they had an argument and I got in the middle of it, and that was that for the day. The next day Ariane came by to pick up Emily's cell phone charger that she left in my truck. Ariane's 19 by the way. She ended up staying longer and we listed to a CD of slam poetry that she liked. She writes and competes in poetry slams. [time passes] Dan finds out and is pissed again. We hang out again the next day, I went over to her house and she showed me some art of hers. Dan finds out and wants to meet up with us. They talk for a while and she breaks up with him right there. They were having troubles anyway apparently, he had lied to her about big things, and she had cheated on him. We keep hanging out over the next few days, but we start lying about it to Dan, so he doesn't get hurt. But he finds out, and asks me that I not hang with her anymore, to give him time to heal, and I tell him ok. Ariane and I hang out again. We lie about it. Ariane sends me a text message saying "want to run away with me for a week to a house in hunt valley that I'm house sitting at?" I go there that night, and I tell her I'm just stopping by for the day, and we kiss that night. She asks if I want to spend the night and I do. Everyone in my family and Dan thinks I've gone to visit Sidney. Two days later Dan finds out, because I couldn't bear to lie anymore, and is crushed, and yells over the phone to me "No, you can't do this to me, you promised, you betrayed me!" and beats his car, putting dents in it. I end up spending the week with Ariane at the house, a place that Dan doesn't know how to get to, and we layed together in bed and read poetry pretty much all day every day for the whole week. And ... I lost my virginity. So we're dating, and that makes us boyfriend and girlfriend, which is very foreign to me. But interesting and exciting. But... I did in effect steal my friend's girlfriend. By accident. So we met up one night, me and Dan, and he gave me an ultimatum, with three options: be with her and lose him as a friend, quit seeing her entirely and still be friends, or wait a while before dating so he can get over the breakup. I told him I would wait, but the next day I went to see her again. And he was pissed again. A few days later he came over to my house slightly drunk and tried to start a fight, and Ariane was there, and my brother. My brother had to hold him back at some points and he got me in a headlock but I got out. So... That's the CURRENT mess I'm in. I have no responsibility and no sense of my actions having consequences. Or so everyone tells me. But I enjoy hanging out with Ariane, I like her. And its time to go to class.

Mike Lives Film Noir

2007-07-09T06:56:40Z

This is the face of PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. Or is the face of respressed trauma, lack of sleep, fear of death, horror in the face of evil, or some other disorder? Or is it the other way around? Is this the face of of a person who can't forgive himself, and tortures himself as punishment for his own failure? Is this the face of a man who will not admit his own evil and have humility towards it? Or is it different still? Maybe this is the face of a person who is trying in despair to be himself, or to be someone else, or casts other people in his own theatre of fantasy and psychosis? Is this an identity thief? Or someone whose identity has been stolen, and is now a willing actor in another's fantasy theatre?

Am I Leonard Shelby?
Am I Sammy Jenkis?
Am I John Malkovich or Craig Schwartz?
Am I Jack?
Am I Tyler?
Am I erasing you from my memory right now?

Who am I, really? Who do I project?
Whose mask do I wear? Have I always worn it?
Have I worn it so long that I've forgotten who I am, and that I was even wearing a mask in the fist place?

What is it that I have to be willing to lose in order to be myself? Do I already know and am simply unwilling to part with it?

Why am I so ashamed to be seen naked, metaphoically speaking?
I don't want you to know who I am, and I don't want to know who I am myself. Why? Because it's dark. It's incredibly dark. You have no idea. Or do you? Here's a little secret, you and I ... we both know. You can't bullshit a bullshitter. We know eachother's tricks, but we pretend not to know, even though I know you're pretending and you know I'm pretending. What does that make us then? We are roleplaying, you and I. Acting. Liars. Conspiring to kill our consciousness together so that we may never know the horrible truth, and live in blissful ignorance. Ciphers all around. Men in trenchcoats, femme fatales. Incog identity. The light cracked in during that one entry a while ago, when I was having changes in vision and panic attacks and things like that, but its so hard. Its the hardest thing ever. For me anyway. It's like being born, or re-born rather. Born-again. It's like waking from a nightmare. It's like listening to a part of a song that was so sad you didn't want to hear it, so you stuck screwdrivers in your ears in the despairing hope of never hearing it again. And when you think you've trimmed the unpleasant looking stems of your bonsai tree for good, they still grow back... and one day you awake to a terrible realization that what you have been killing is "the 'I love you'", for it was too hard to bear that someone still loved you after you tried to kill them. Truman Capote knew it well.

P.S. - Our real selves are attainable, but we must cry first, and it has to reverberate through our souls, but if only it didn't hurt so much. Anything to take away the pain, anything.

Pensacola

2007-06-30T06:30:20Z

I’m in Pensacola. Pictures and such. The time here is an hour behind Maryland. It’s 1:51, I can’t sleep, so LJ it is. I’ve been meaning to write an entry, it just seems like I’m not in the right mood for it a lot of the time lately. Anyway I’m in my friend Brian’s house/shack, sleeping on the floor, because there’s only one bed and its my night on the floor. There’s no air conditioning, but we keep two window fans running 24/7, and its 78 right now, which is actually pretty comfortable with the fans. Light from a full moon is shining in the window onto my shoulder and I’ve gotten used to the sound of crickets and other bugs at night through the windows we keep open (with screens).

Here’s a picture of the house. Humble Home.

I guess a lot of things have happened since I got here. We’ve been working on building a timber frame bed frame so we can have another place to sleep besides the floor, and I think it’s going to turn out pretty good.

We went to a Rush concert the fist few days I was down here, which was cool enough I guess. I didn’t get the job with Brian at the glass shop, since the guy said they already hired more people than there was work to go around. So I spent a few days collecting applications from different places and turning them in, and I got hired the other day by Little Caesar’s. Not my first choice, but eh, it’s a job, and I haven’t had a job in maybe 3 years.

We’ve played a little guitar and a little violin, but nothing really new or amazing. Basically, we’ve just been sorta screwing around since I got down here. We both actually have papers still to do and we haven’t made an inch of progress. But someday…

In the meantime we’ve been doing lots of side activities. The animals and insects are different down here and you can find geckos and anoles on the side of the house some days, so I bought some mealworms and made a gecko trap out of a plastic bottle. If I can catch one I’ll keep it as a pet for the summer. Earlier today we saw an armadillo. An armadillo! Who knew they were in Florida? There are giant black and yellow striped katy-did looking things on some plants, fire ants, and of course… cockroaches. I despise cockroaches. One night we saw one crawl across the wall of the house when we were getting ready to sleep. Also… Brian has two cats (yes, in this small of a house) and they attract fleas. Last week, if you sat in the floor of the house for 5 minutes, you could count at least 5 fleas on you, most likely more. But we bought these fogger bug spray things and “bombed” the whole house with bug spray/fog/smoke one weekend, and things have been more or less bug free since.

Pensacola is supposed to have some of the best beaches in the world, and I guess they are pretty good, but I don’t know about best in the world. One night we got the idea into our heads that we should sleep on the beach, so we did. …We slept at least 20 feet apart from each other… we aren’t gay damnit, stop asking. So I got to see the sun rise over the beach, and we went snorkeling first thing in the morning.

But that was short lived because I think its jellyfish spore season or something, which means there’s these jelly cases full of baby jellyfish or something, and they each have one 4 inch tentacle coming off of the case, so we both got stung about 8 times. There were thousands of them, you couldn’t really swim more than 15 feet without getting stung. But it was fun anyway. If they clear up soon I think we’ll try to go surfing.

After at least 4 years of long Robert Plant/Jimmy Page-esque hair, I finally cut my hair a couple days ago. I cut it myself with electric clippers Brian has, using the 7/8” adapter. So I went from hair past my collar bone to hair less than an inch long. It was too long anyway, I kept it in a ponytail all the time and it took forever to wash in the shower. It will definitely take some getting used to, I keep trying to run my fingers through it and it isn’t there. But I’m satisfied with the way it looks I guess. Its good enough anyway, especially since I have nothing to lose and nobody to impress all summer, and its practical for the heat here.

Brian doesn’t have cable, so we’ve been watching some good movies. Shakespeare in Love is by far the best of the one’s we’ve watched so far. I haven’t started reading Heidegger’s Being and Time yet, and I don’t know if I will, since I’m so slow with my papers. I still have reading and papers for Dr. Walker also. The sooner I get them done the sooner and can do activities of deeper involvement than just a pleasurable distraction from work.

Today we went with Brian’s friend Katie to the local tattoo place to see her get a piercing and to find out how much it would cost for him to get a Celtic cross on his inner wrist. $80. He’s planning on getting it tomorrow, which I can’t really believe, since it seems a little crazy to me, but then, Brian is always passionate about one fad or another and advocating that we all get involved in it because its so great. I’d get a tattoo if there was something I was really passionate about and would be comfortable having for my entire life, but when it comes down to it I really can’t think of anything that fits the criteria. A cross is really just an excuse to get a tattoo. I was looking UV ink tattoos online the other day and damn they look cool. No trace on the skin after it heals, but under a UV light you could have a crap-load of designs show up. But something tells me that putting something that glows under UV light into my skin is a bad idea. And here's the tattoo.

I quit all my medicine since I’ve been down here, and I’m glad to be free of it. I’m still fucked up, but I guess its verrrryy slowly getting better. I’m still nearly paralyzed around other people sometimes. I think if I do the papers a lot of things will go away. Quitting smoking would help too, and I think I quit as of noon today, since Brian wouldn’t let me buy another pack. I’ve been having some weird dreams lately, horror movie type dreams, with damn good plots and suspense. It reflects my socially terrified avoidant lifestyle as of late. But at least sleep takes the tension away. I’ve been having all sorts of thoughts lately, as I do different things that trigger different memories. I’ve thought a lot about Erin, my high school girlfriend recently, and I even friended her on facebook, and she added me back as well. It’s a crazy feeling looking up ex’s. Anyway, that's it for now.

incog_identity @ 2007-06-10T18:26:00

2007-06-11T10:58:36Z

I should be leaving tomorrow (tuesday) for Florida. I'm driving all day, and trying to get to my grandmother's house in Chattanooga Tennesse to spend the night, and then the next day all the way to Pensacola. Brian, the guy in Pensacola, got me a job interview with his boss at the glass working shop, and if I can I'll work there this summer. Don't ask why I'm going, it was on a whim. No word from Sidney lately. Oh well. I just hope she works her issues out and I work mine out. You have to admit she is pretty, even if she has a little bit of porn-star complex.

I'm on a new medication called focalin, which is basically adult ritalin. I might secretly ditch all these medications while in Florida. In fact I hope to. I'm taking a laptop, so I guess I'll write in lj from time to time. I will take pictures and load them on here if I can.

This summer in Florida I intend to:

Get a job, preferably with brian
Build my own bedframe so I can have a place to sleep
Adapt to 90 degree weather in a shack with no AC
Get a tan
Fix my mental state
Watch at least one movie a week
Make friends down there
Read Martin Heidegger's Being & Time
Write music with brian
Finish left over school work
Cut my hair
Take pictures
Go surfing
Go fishing
Catch a snake or lizard and keep it as a pet
Have a romantic fling?
Live in the real world rather than the online world
Get some rest
Not get killed by a hurricane

http://www.mapquest.com/directions/main.adp?go=1&do=nw&rmm=1&un=m&cl=EN&qq=hltF3hzNT9tNhURP0HLlhh9UYBmHRqyBceg4Gkon14D8uewLk7pjHQ%253d%253d&ct=NA&rsres=1&1y=US&1ffi=&1l=&1g=&1pl=&1v=&1n=&1pn=&1a=&1c=fallston&1s=md&1z=21047&2y=US&2ffi=&2l=&2g=&2pl=&2v=&2n=&2pn=&2a=&2c=pensacola&2s=fl&2z=&r=f
Anybody having a life crisis and want to go with me?

incog_identity @ 2007-06-05T04:06:00

2007-06-05T08:01:30Z

incog_identity @ 2007-05-24T08:14:00

2007-05-24T12:14:42Z

I woke up this morning at 5, vhecked my email, went to wawa for some food and coffee, and went fishing and watched the sun rise over lily pads. Didn't catch any fish though. Haven't seen my cat friend around lately. I packed up a lot of stuff yesterday, and if I can get everything in the car I'm leaving today, and going home to watch pirates of the carribean 2 before seeing the 3rd in theatres tonight. no word from sidney lately. Sidney's full name is "Sidney Sweet Irwin". I told her I was going to write a song about her, and I still am, even though she isn't talking to me. It pretty much writes itself, you can't really ask for a better song title than "sidney sweet". Now I'm going back to sleep. It'll be good to get home. I still have papers to write though, for the incomplete classes. Kierkegaard says I'm in despair of the infinite, which I want all the lofty awesomeness, but I never see the infinite in the finite because I don't want to get involved because I feel like it'll suck the life out of me, when really that's the only way to truly be yourself. That's about it I guess.

incog_identity @ 2007-05-21T06:02:00

2007-05-21T09:57:52Z

incog_identity @ 2007-05-17T05:32:00

2007-05-17T10:06:32Z

I'm up at 5:30. I've got papers to do for ethics. 2 papers. one almost done, and then 7 1 page reflections. all due tomorrow by 1. That's what I get for not doing any work all semester. I've been out exploring the UP area on smoke breaks. There's this pond thing way in the back and I found this cat hanging out there, and it came up to me and I hung out with it for a while... Chasing whatever in the plants around the pond. There were ducks and some frogs. And then I swore I saw a fox come to get a drink, but it might a been a scruffy looking cat. There's a frog outside my window that's about as big as my hand. I think he knows when the rain bird system comes on. I'm not gonna get the papers all done. No way. I heard a rooster and saw a bat too.

you know who these are about. (Sidney)

From the crossroads of my doorstep my eyes begin to fade
And I turn my head back to the room where my love and I have laid
I gaze back to the streets sidewalks and signs
I'm one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind

If I was with 'er too long
Or have done something wrong,
I wish she'd tell me what it is, I'll run an' hide.
Though her skirt it swayed as a guitar played,
Her mouth was watery and wet.
But now something has changed
For she ain't the same,
She just acts like we never have met.

y control

Someday, some sweet day
We'll be together
yes we will, yes we will
Someday we'll be together
(Oh I know, I know, I know, I know, I know)
Someday we'll be together
(Yes we will, yes we will)
Someday we'll be together

Oh, and this is my new favorite song, for the time being

I told sidney she's Nico. And she is. Femme Fatale, heroin, blonde hair, deep womanly voice.

NICO - These Days

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days, these days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.
La la la la la, la la.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them.

eh... I'm not all that entangled and in love. I'm just kinda like... "well, that was kind of absurd. And I'd like to connect with her, but it's not working, so, what can you do, really"

incog_identity @ 2007-04-17T23:21:00

2007-04-18T09:02:48Z

I was out riding my longboard around the UP parking lot at 6 this morning, because I was up all night. Went to sleep at 9 and woke up 8 PM today. Still have papers due. Still talking to the social worker. Zarathustra is pretty damn good. "if one gazes long enough into the abyss, the abyss gazes back". The whole thing is poetic, and rediculously esoteric, it's hard to understand what the hell he's talking about. I require warm weather. And clear weather. And an empty road with hills and curves nearby. Riverside drive perhaps. And an empty parking lot. For my soul longs to go long boarding. Thus spoke Mike. I also require mental health. I got a $40 parking ticket for parking next to the baseball fielf just off wayne street. Dang. I watched stand by me, which I hadn't seen before, and it was pretty good. A lot like the Wonder years, which I used to watch a lot. I thought Winnie was hot/pretty when I was little. I hate time. There's never enough it. My mom found out she has a tumor, and she found out she has colon cancer. its operable/removable, so she's going to have surgery in a few days. I don't know if I should be feeling more worried than I am, because I'm not really worried. But yeah, it's a big deal, its friggin cancer. So, anyway, we'll see how it goes. It runs in the family. Damn scottish genes. stop eating haggis! I hate it when school shootings happen. Those kids were my friends when I was in high school. Actually, that's not quite true, we weren't that deeply fucked up, not in a violent way anyway, we took it out on ourselves with depression. People thought I was one of those kids in high school. Everytime I see something like that on TV, it always resonates with me a lot, and then people freak out and paint them as monsters and schools then have an excuse to fuck over the students rights "for the sake of safety". I don't know. the whole thing brings back memories and emotions. And then the news said something about "he was a loner, he had no friends, he wrote dark journal entries, and he had suppressed homosexual urges". Greeaaaat. But anyway, the media will either do one or both of these things: they'll make him look like a monster, or, they'll pity him and call him a "poor troubled young man". Both of which are tactics used by people to distance themselves from him, to convice themselves that they could never identify with him because he's not human, he's either a monster or a pathetic nothing. No pity, no demonization, identification. He's you.

Anyway. enough of that. I think there's some sort of music thingy coming up with the philosophy department? so I might be playing in that. I miss cigarettes. ok that's it. EDIT: alright, nevermind, the dude's freakin messed up.

Psychobabble

2007-03-27T21:51:36Z

I bought a skateboard over the break. A longboard. And I'm actually good at it. So now I have a fun hobby to take up around here. It's fun as hell. But I need hills, so I can carve it like a surfboard. It's not a skate-park type of board. Bought the new Neil Young album. Live in 1971. Good stuff. Songs played from Harvest before it was released. I saw these movies recently: Boogie Nights, Royal Tenenbaums, and Amelie. All were good. Amelie was the best. Photographs still going up in philosophy house, should be this week. I'm quitting smoking. I have to, since I'm gonna start working out with jonathan every couple of days. Doesn't make any sense to smoke and do cardio exercizes. Still on Lexapro. Still seeing the social worker. Still missing lots of classes. Still way behind on papers. My brain is still messed up too. But its different. There's a wall of some sort, and a tug of war, and I feeled pulled in various directions. And I can't think or remember things. I'm avoiding something, but what? Sometimes I'll blush in class, or feel like I'm about to cry, and I can't really figure out why. Maybe I'm in love and its so foreign to me that I think its a sickness. People say I just look tired. But its more than that, something is missing big time. But I'm working on it. The social worker now thinks I might have been abused or suffered some trauma of some sort or done something evil that I don't want to face. Everything terrifies me lately. I was in the car with my brother and I started watching the cars drive by and I couldn't stop thinking about car crashes and people dying, and and it scared the shit out of me. Like I was in a horror movie. But it got better. So who knows. That waltz that I played on the guitar back when I was having my breakdown-thing still helps trigger something interesting, like crying, but crying for a good reason, but I can't do it to the extent that I did before. Anyway. I'm excited about existentialism, we're starting Nietzsche's Zarathustra. God is dead! Nietasche had headaches (like me) and went insane from syphilis. Maybe I have syphilis? hooray!

incog_identity @ 2007-03-11T03:50:00

2007-03-11T09:37:01Z

I bought the movie Magnolia, written and directed by P.T. Anderson, the same guy that made Punch Drunk Love. It's pretty good, especiially the second time. P.T. Anderson went out with Fiona Apple for a while, and on her new album there's a waltz, and Adam Sandler's character in Punch Drunk Love played a walz on the harmonium. Coincedence? I signed up for Netflix too. Which is pretty dang cool. I watched Welcome to the Dollhouse, since Dr. Walker mentioned it, and looked at me with this "you need to see this movie" look. I saw it, and its about this girl in middle school who a boy says he's going to rape her after school, and she shows up for it, and it turns out he just likes her and can't really say it. sort of. its more complicated. Its a good movie. What was she trying to tell me? ... Hmmm. ok I should probably get this out. I have a bit of a thing for my film professor, Dr. Walker. And she knows it. But that kinda thing happens all the time I guess, so that's that. Papers to write. Neuroses to work out. addictions to kick. sexuality to figure out. and no time, or so it would seem. I've grown a beard. sort of. its not very thick. I still have vertigo. And sometimes I get this feeling pulling downward, like I'm a thousand pounds, or my steps will be wooden sometimes. My parents are coming down tomorrow. I'm watching dead man walking now, and the next movie on the list is waking life, it's supposed to be all philosophical. should be cool. By the same guy that made before sunset. The photography show goes up in the philosophy house next week I think. My brother bought a longboard skateboard and I tried it out last time I was home, and its pretty awesome, it carves turns like it was surfing or something. I need to get me one and use it here since its so flat. ok sleep.

Truffles

2007-03-07T22:05:01Z

Cheap sex and sunken eyes,
is all the world objectified?
Candy coated sweet depravities,
rotten souls, and full of cavities.
Gumdrops, panties, warm mistakes,
we dress ourselves like we were cakes.
We offer sweets and bites and pain,
and bleed cherry filling from our veins.
No amount of sugar can sweeten
the truth about us being eaten.

...sorry. it was there. and so its here.

incog_identity @ 2007-02-27T12:22:00

2007-02-27T18:34:46Z

Yep. Today's a good day. I think. Yesterday back home it was snowed in and today its warm-ish and sunny. As soon as it gets warm enough I'm going surfing. Hopefully I can surf all summer. I'm either living at ocean city with jonathan and surfing there or living in florida with brian and surfing there. Got a paper to write on ethics today. Not exactly happy about that, but oh well. You know that show Scubs, that is kinda lame and something I wouldn't normally watch? well I bought it on dvd and I've been watching it. I like it. I saw Babel the other day, and it was good enough. It was kind of straight foreward, so much so that it was more like a statement of "hey, we can't communicate" than an actual movie. but uh, yeah. My head is still wacked. And I'm still a jerk. And I'm still missing classes. But I think it'll all turn out ok. I stepped outside for a cigarette, which I've stopped smoking... except for this pack... but I watched this seagull circle around and climb in the air on a pocket of warm air, without flapping its wings. Pretty cool. I used to be obsessed with the sky and airplanes as a kid, and made all kinds of paper airplanes and model airplanes. I associate 311 with the beach and the sky for some reason. I've been watching videos of Derk Trucks play guitar. Bastard. Makes me want to hang it up. I'm putting up a show-thing of pictures in the philosophy house with Dr. Hatley's help soon. My medicine is kicking in a little bit, I think. I'm going for a walk today, or a bike ride. or something.

incog_identity @ 2007-02-18T05:44:00

2007-02-18T11:04:12Z

yesiree. I've missed a LOT of my classes. I'm back in my niche sort of thing here. Which is bad. But I'm ok. My brain is still messed up though. But I think the only realy option I have at this point is to simply try each day, commitment. I definately have some addictions I really need to kick, and some responsibilities I need to face up to, but it's difficult when you don't quite have a good memory or grip on reality. but all that crap aside...

I'm just bored. Jonathan asked me if I wanted to get a place with him at ocean city this summer, which I think would be awesome. A day job at some cool store, one or two summer classes at salisbury, and all the surfing and sun I can handle. If that doesn't clear up my head nothing will. Also, Brian called me today and asked if I wanted to spend 2 months with him in florida this summer and get a job down there for a while. I could do both! Man. Potential good times. But as for now... now I just need to get better. I think the biggest problem to getting better is actually trying anything which is self-help. It's frantic and addict-ish. The whole problem in the first place is that I'm stuck in my own head, and the way to get out of that is to find something where I can loose myself. so yeah, stop looking for my own happiness, and do something for someone or something else. or something.

incog_identity @ 2007-02-05T18:10:00

2007-02-06T07:57:23Z

I'm taking lexapro. For depression and anxiety. I'm not happy about it, but hey, I'm depressed, why would I be happy about it? ha. Some people think I was abused or something, and I am acting a lot like it. Let's add it up. weird experiences with other people's girlfriends, panic attacks in class, blushing, difficulty concentrating, or doing anything for that matter... bad relationships with parents, a 17 year old girl on heroin who may or may not be a lesbian, a social worker who thinks I'm either jesus or gay or both, changes in vision, and an entire semester spent in a box. What if this is something I'm supposed to go through, and medicine will prevent me from learning a lesson? Also, what if the anxiety is there for a reason and most people just live with a false sense of security? I still don't really know what is going on though. I feel tortured. Everything in in knots. my mind and my muscles. the psychologist who prescribed me the medicine says my thoughts are like molasses. I can't sleep either. no rest for the wicked. I'd go down to the river and wash myself but I can't find it.